It is interesting to find that a number of women drawn into lesbianism had no sexual activity with a woman before being saved. I believe this change occurs due to the loosening of buried emotions at the receiving of the Holy Spirit and turning away from old addictive patterns that covered the emotions. This person may find, at the same time, a warm, loving Christian woman with whom she can share her new joy and her inmost thoughts and feelings. If the new friend has similar emotional backlog or background, has a weak relationship with her husband and some unworked areas of her own life, the two may get too intimate and be drawn into inappropriate dependency, desire, and sexual activity. If the church is made aware of this problem and can train Christian women to work out their emotional issues, their relationships with their husbands or grievances with men in general, this risk will be lessened considerably. Warnings should be given about being together too much, talking too many times a day, inappropriate physical touching or sexual desire for each other.
The church needs to give assurance that such problems would be dealt with in love and wisdom, not harsh legalism. This assurance would turn a potential problem into a blessing for all concerned. The persons involved must be treated with loving counsel, prayers, and kind confrontation. The new Christian who is still having some lesbian feelings may feel she can never have a good Christian relationship with another woman, but she must be encouraged to work this through. It is a matter of cleaning out old emotional lies and any feelings of inadequacy and fear.
Helping someone come out of a dependent relationship
The most difficult aspect of breaking an emotionally dependent relationship is convincing the persons that this is not a friendship, nor is it love, it is addiction. The stored-in emotions are driving the person to this false and demonic “answer” to her needs. She may ask repeatedly, when told there must be a separation from the person in order to progress toward freedom, “how long will it be before we can be friends?” All they are saying is, “I can’t stand the thought of being away from this person for any length of time.” It is vital to teach the person the following truths that will set her free:
You have a lack of identity, of truly knowing who you are and seeing your worth. The Lord desires this relationship to break so you can be all He created you to be.
The relationship is idolatry – the woman has become your answer. This keeps you from the intimacy with God and the knowledge of His love that you need. It also keeps you from knowing who you are and how to relate to others.
This relationship is a false answer to your needs. It feels so good, it feels like love, but deep within it is binding and wrong. You may have turned off your mind so that you could “handle” this conflict, but going for the true answer is worth the effort.
This relationship will keep you in a childish state – it will keep you from growing. There has to be a cleaning out of old emotions and ungodly though patterns in regard to self, men, parents, God and other authority figures.
Since this relationship is addictive, it covers old emotions and prevents cleaning them out. As you two separate, there will be a clearing of the mind during this space for healing that allows you to see with spiritual eyes. This results in personal growth and a fellowship with God that far outweigh the pain of separation.
Keep a journal to get in touch with and study old emotions that are not connected to the mind. This is one major tool that is very effective for freedom.
Agree with God and accept your worth. You don’t have to live your life though someone else!
Stay in close fellowship with strong, supportive Christians who will listen and care and give encouragement. Don’t isolate and fall into the old lie, “it’s just me and God, now.”
Throw away all possessions (gifts, photos, etc.) that would stir remembrances of the homosexual relationship.
Don’t go back to places, people, or belief systems that would reinforce that former relationship.
Many have followed these principles, and have found freedom in their minds and emotions and a new life in the Lord. This is a wonderful blessing and you can bless many others as you share your victory over this addiction!
One of the best tools to help in breaking old dependencies is Lori Rentzel’s booklet, “Emotional Dependency”. It can be ordered from L.I.F.E. Ministry. We find this to be an excellent source, and it has helped thousands of men and women. A caution about the word usage on p. 25 –“Prepare for grief and depression”. We must be careful with word meanings, and grief implies loss, by the common definition. Leaving a homosexual lover or an emotional dependency is not loss, but gain. So, we call the painful experience what it is – withdrawal from addiction.
It is difficult to see homosexuality as addiction, because it begins so young, and it is not a substance you imbibe or inject, yet it is just as surely an addiction. It is an escape from confronting our thoughts and emotions. It is avoidance – putting the mind on hold and letting the emotions be in charge. Because we feel alone, abandoned, unwanted, afraid, belonging to no one, we take the person who shows interest in us and invest all our affection in her, even what should belong to God. So, the Great Commandment is reduced to “you shall love another person more than self or God”. It is a counterfeit and the idolatry spoken of in Romans 1.
Here are some roots and causes of lesbianism:
Competing with mother and judging her.
Constant criticism from the mother makes the daughter feel that she can never do anything right and brings low self-esteem.
Incest or molestation by males in the family or by others.
Hurts and rejection in early male relationships.
Father and/or mother wanted a boy, and she feels she is disappointment.
Occult practices or false ungodly beliefs (such as Santeria or the Masonic Lodge) make a demonic atmosphere in the home.
Generational sin of sexual abuse or denigration of women.
Traumatized by divorce and blaming one of the parents for it.
An over-achieving mother and a weak, passive father.
A girl who is gifted in sports, a “tom-boy”, and socially hindered in her femininity.
Competing with her brothers, she may try to be masculine just for acceptance, especially if she is the only girl in the family.
Anger and resentment at male children being favored by the family.
A female gifted in leadership may feel very strong, look down on men in leadership and feel she is more capable but has little chance to use her gifts.
The girl had to be the “mother” in the family, or was the “invisible child”, or got lost in a large family and received no mothering.
Longs for a mother figure because of early rejection by parents or her own rejection of them and becoming her own parent.
Adultery by parents destroys her role models and brings fear about relating to men.
At death of the father, mother takes daughter as emotional mate.
Many changes in location and cultures makes her feel different, alone and left out.
Hatred of men because of an abusive or alcoholic father.
Mental illness in the family.
Early trauma of childhood sickness makes her feel isolated and that something is wrong with her.
Beating or harsh discipline.
Denying her personhood by treating her as if what she says, does or thinks doesn’t matter.
“Religious” parents who do not live up to their own standards.
Generally then, we see an injured femininity, some barrier to heterosexual relating, and the need for female affirmation and affection. When these and the sinful reactions such as anger or rebellion are processed with God’s truth, freedom is found.