There it is again! That constant, ever-frustrating question was pounding through every speck of my consciousness. Another day goes by and still it remains unanswered. I just don't understand. How come I can't be 'normal' like my sisters? I have seven sisters and one brother. I'm number eight in the lineup. Never have I heard or seen them express the type of things I feel inside. What's wrong with me? I can't ask them, nor my parents, or anyone. I guess I'll just hold it inside and try never to let it show, but man, it's really killing me...
This is a brief description of the mental struggle I went through every day when trying to understand and cope with the foreign feelings, attitudes, and physical aspects of being homosexual in a heterosexual world. My whole world of family and friends were "normal". I was in the seventh grade when I realised that my feelings had not and perhaps were not going to change. My sexual preference was still for another girl. I continued to keep it to myself, hoping my feelings would change and the struggle end. They didn't.
By my senior year in high school, the struggle was gaining intensity daily. I was emotionally dependent on a close girlfriend, and mistook it for "love". I didn't disclose my secret to her, yet. With the pressure of school, athletics, and the unfulfilled love relationship, I began taking more and more drugs. My relationship with my parents was worsening.
I dropped out of college after one semester. The most predominant thought was of suicide. I almost pulled the trigger of my father's gun, but as I looked up with finger in position, I saw the picture of Jesus on my parents' bedroom wall. I didn't go through with it. A few days later, I moved out from home. I was 18 years old. I started seeing my first psychotherapist and I divulged my secret for the first time. He encouraged me to accept being gay. Shortly thereafter I overdosed on pills, pot, and booze. Despite the incident, I continued drinking more often.
I was still hung-up on the girl from high school. Finally I told her the truth. That night she accepted me, and thus began my gay sex life.
I moved away, thinking I could start over. No one knew my past and I was going to be "normal". I learned quickly that you cannot run away from yourself. All of those thoughts and desires moved with me. With needs in my life still unmet, I became an alcoholic with a serious drug problem. I was 19 years old, depressed, obsessed with suicide, extremely lonely, and seeing my second psychotherapist.
As I stood behind the grill at the restaurant where I worked, I wondered if there would be more to my life than drugs, booze and frustration. I told God if something didn't happen by tomorrow, I was going to succeed in killing myself. I had asked a friend if I could attend church with her the next day. Well, God did something: I was born-again in that service. I was immediately delivered from both drugs and alcohol. Although it took two years before they were no longer a temptation, I overcame them completely.
I grew as a Christian for two and a half years before going off to Bible college. During that time of growth, I still knew I hadn't overcome homosexuality. I thought I was okay, but would never marry and never be "normal". I was at Bible college for only three months when I became emotionally dependent on another woman, who was also a Bible college student. We became sexually involved. She was extremely domineering. She cut off all contact between me and my family and friends. Sometimes I would be confined to my room and she would threaten to kick me out on the streets, and tell me I belonged in a whore house. Still, I couldn't let go of her. I had no will, no mind of my own. After she disclosed "my" problem to the Dean, she did kick me out. The Dean only tried to convince me I was free, since I was saved. I knew I wasn't. I felt I had prayer for deliverance by a few fellow students I trusted. Only a small change took place but I knew God had started a work in me.
Two months later came the devastating blow. My own roommate and trusted friend, one of those who prayed for me, unintentionally started a rumor that I was sexually involved with another female student. It so happened that the student was my ex-lover's daughter. The rumor spread to include that I had propositioned other dormmates. The story reached the college president. Three meetings took place where my accusers, ex-lover, her daughter, the Dean and President were present. I was not invited. No one knew of the past relationship between the mother and me. Although I had not been in contact with her for months, I was still "in love" with her. She then convcinced me to write a letter to the President explaining her and her daughter's innocence, but at the same time admit to my homosexual background. I did as she asked and also stated that the rumors were not true. I never was able to meet with my accusers or the President. I was kicked out of school and had four days to find a new place to live.
My whole life was stripped away. I wasn't going to graduate. I couldn't tell my family what happened, and my friends turned against me. I prayed. Then I went to a co-worker and told her and her husband what happened. They invited me to live with them for a few months.
I had heard about L.I.F.E. Ministry and made arrangements to go to New York for six weeks.
At LIFE I found a whole different approach to homosexuality. I had been taught that you pray for deliverance and there the problem ends. Of course, it doesn't. There is an entire realm of memories, emotions, relationships, habits, etc., that have to be dealt with and healed, through repentance, renunciation, forgiveness...faith in Jesus Christ.
It may sound simple and it is, but NOT easy. As I opened up to Joanne the events of my life, it was indeed painful. I learned how vital that complete honesty with God is. If my emotions didn't line up with God's righteousness, I told Him the truth and asked for His mercy and grace to change me. During my time at LIFE I battled with God's reality, the "love" I still felt for the woman back home, and with my female sexual preference. I asked Joanne if there would ever be a day when I would be able to love a man and never have a homosexual desire for a woman. A profound YES! was her reply. I believed her.
I did a lot of praying, fasting, and Bible reading. But equally important, I learned how to control physical actions. I used to "scope" women without even thinking about it. Now I had to force myself to look the other way and pray for the woman I had been checking out. At first it seemed my neck wouldn't turn, but with each turned glance and prayer, it became easier.
After six weeks, I returned to the place where the rumors began. For three weeks I was so depressed it resulted in physical pains in my chest. The mental battles with thoughts of my ex-lover were so tenacious I felt like screaming out loud. Finally, I obeyed what Joanne said to do. I threw away every reminder of my ex-lovers - gifts, clothes, photos, everything.
This was the key to the final door barring my entrance into TOTAL freedom from homosexuality. There was an immediate change in me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, even physically. Only a few days after this began the courtship with the man whom I married one year later.
Joanne was right. I now have "normal" relationships with men and women, and a truly exceptional and lasting one with my husband. Through Jesus Christ it is possible to change your life completely.
All Glory to Him,
(Ed. note -- Kris said later, "All those memories, struggles, victories, and failures are so far removed from my life today. Jesus' healing is total - just as you said it would be!" She and her husband have two children now).